(Press) release me

Click here for more on this story

Posted: Sunday January 31, 1999 04:10 PM

It's like Christmas every morning here in Miami.

Each day when I open my hotel room door to yell at the maids to please No HABLA, I'm trying to sleep off a hangover here!, I am greeted by gifts dropped off by some p.r. elves during the night. At first I was given some horrible press kit from the folks who, I think, hijacked the name of the Ravens new stadium. We all know how I feel about these kinds of folks. This kit included a head shot of this company's CEO who, I am happy to report, takes a goofier picture than I do.

The next day a giant sign was left at my door. On one side it is red and black and says Go Falcons. The other side is orange and says Go Broncos. Recognizing the tendency of fans to switch allegiances with each gust of wind, this signs allows the bearer, with just a flip of his thumbs to change teams in a nanosecond.

"COME ON, Go Broncos, I love you John Elway".

Uh oh it looks like the Broncos have fumbled and the Falcons have recovered!

FLIP.

"COME ON, Go Falcons, I love you Jamal Anderson."

This would be perfect for my little brother, whom we refer to as Bandwagon Bryan.

Then, hanging from my door handle this morning was a complete kit from the folks who sell those nasal strip-booger-blocker thingamajigs. I got a sample strip (Here's a hint: Duct tape works just as well). I got a clipboard. I got some nasal spray and an allergen barrier pillow cover.

But, best of all, the package was accompanied by what has to be the greatest (Read: most ridiculous) press release I have ever seen. And that's saying something down here on planet Super Bowl where so far this week I have read the following items in actual press releases:

• Denver Bronco Vaughan Hebron wins the Superbowl of love with fiancee Kim Bryant. (My question is would you really want to buy an engagement ring from a company that 1) spells their spokesman's name wrong (it's Vaughn) and 2) doesn't know that Super Bowl is two words?)

• That as Internet people Captain Crunch is only your third favorite cereal.

• How 'bout this one: What better treat to enjoy in the warm sunshine of Miami than (with Good Humor) ice cream and what better way to get the best in sports news than with Keith Olbermann.

• Or try this: The adventure of a Caribbean cruise and legendary rock band KISS will be featured in Super Bowl XXXIII pregame show, hosted by Tori Spelling. (This reminds me of the scene in Spinal Tap when the band's manager says: "I told them, Spinal Tap first and then Puppet Show!")

But the nasal people take the cake.

Which team will experience the smell of victory in this year's Super Bowl? If it's based on breathing, the Broncos may take the championship ring right out from under the Falcons' noses. Who would have known that in order to win a Super Bowl you first have to be able to BREATHE!!!? The release goes on to say that nasal strips helped both teams achieve impressive yards-receiving stats. And if his constant whining this season didn't already make you lose some respect for Jerry Rice how about this: "When playing in the Super Bowl, you can't let congestion hurt your game ... [nasal strips] help me breathe well and recuperate faster."

Now, I believe I have seen and read and smelled it all.

Anyway, back to old business.

• Thank you, so much for all the e-mails. However, to answer a few questions, no, I am not the same Dave Fleming who pitched one brilliant season with the Mariners a few years ago and also, THE ANSWER TO THE TRIVIA QUESTION IS NOT "CARBO-NATION". If you want my blueberry NFL bag you've got to work harder than that, people. If no one gets the answer by kickoff I'll come up with another question, preferably one not quite as narcissistic. But keep looking, the truth is out there and it's ahem, Super. You might even be, rah-heh-hemm, Bowled over.

• Saturday I went for a pleasant little run near the waters of Biscayne Bay. I mention this only as a way of warning any real runners out there against consuming fake Cuban cigars, 14-ounce filets, tequila and 20-year-old port on the eve of their race.

• Tired of being accosted in Sycophant City -- the ticket scalpers are now stationed at the elevators and have taken to just asking everyone who either enters or exits the lifts if they have or need tickets -- one rather clever colleague of mine has taken to wearing his hotel room's Do Not Disturb sign around his neck in the lobby.

• Finally, just when you think you've heard it all: Some doofus color scheme guy says the Broncos' white uniforms give them the edge over the black-Falcons. No word on the exact spread, though.

   

  Related information
  Stories
  Previous Fleming Files
  Multimedia
  Click here for the latest audio and video
  Search our site	Watch CNN/SI 24 hours a day
  	Sports Illustrated and CNN have combined to form a 24 hour sports news and information channel. To receive CNN/SI at your home call 1-888-53-CNNSI.