The whole ball of yacks

Suggestions on settling the case for Bonds' No. 73

Hear ye, hear ye, all rise. Baseball court is now in session, in the case of Popov v. Hayashi as to who really caught Barry Bonds' 73rd home run ball.

No doubt you are aware that ownership of the record horsehide has actually been taken to litigation, to Superior Court, city of San Francisco, state of California, nation of pastime. When, on October 7th, Bonds sent historic No. 73 sailing into the right-field bleachers at Pacific Bell Park, one Alex Popov, who had brought along a mitt for the occasion, snared the prize on the fly. Or did he? We only know that the ball lodged tenuously into the top of his glove's webbing. That is visible on videotape. But then? Did the ball pop out of Popov's mitt? Or did his good Giant neighbors in the stands assault Popov, so that it was de mugging by de mob dat de-mitted de golden globoid?

Whatever, to Popov's chagrin, the prize sphere ended up in the possession of a Patrick Hayashi. So Popov says he has been fouled in this affair, that the fair ball fairly belongs to him and foul Hayashi is at fault and must forfeit. Forthwith. Only in America could a Popov sue a Hayashi over a bauble from a ballgame.

The decision will be rendered by Judge David Garcia. Well, be grateful for small favors. Finally, we will be getting a message from Garcia. But surely, since this is baseball, an institution, not of laws, but of men-dacity, there must be a more appropriate way to settle the case than by simple justice.

The Baseball Writers of America, could, for example, be called upon to settle the case. Possession may be nine-tenths of the law, but you go into the Hall of Fame with three-fourths of the writers' votes. This is a Hall of Fame ball. The procedures are obvious.

Or, just as appropriately, the ball could be declared a ward of the game and assigned a foster agent by the court. The agent would then, assuredly, sell the ball to George Steinbrenner of the Yankees, who, as we know, buys everything valuable in baseball that comes with an agent.

Or, since this is a mythological ball in a game, let us have one of those contests we always find in mythology. Let Popov and Hayashi have their own home run hitting contest. Whoever hits the ball furthest wins the ball ... as well as the hand in marriage of Helen of Troy, who owns a luxury box at Pac Bell Park.

Or, Barry Bonds' record could be contracted. If the baseball owners want two teams contracted, they should also contract other elements of the game. There are too many records in baseball, anyway. Contract the home run record, and thereby, like that, hocus pocus, there is no home run record ball.

Anyway, it makes the case easier that the ball has no sentimental value. Evidently, there is simply no sentiment attached to Barry Bonds whatsoever. There is no evidence that either Popov or Hayashi love Bonds' ball, desire Bonds' ball, want Bonds' ball. They only want whatever Bonds' ball can bring on the open market.

So, let us go to an appeals court and place the matter before Judge Solomon. Surely he will decree that the ball should be split down the middle. Let Popov and Hayashi both sell a semi-share. Half a homer is better than none.

Sports Illustrated senior contributing writer Frank Deford is a regular contributor to CNNSI.com and appears each Wednesday on National Public Radio's Morning Edition. His new novel, The Other Adonis (Sourcebooks Landmark), is available now at bookstores everywhere.

The opinions expressed here are solely those of the writer.

Related information
Stories
Frank Deford's Insider Archive
Multimedia
Visit Video Plus for the latest audio and video
Search our site	Watch CNN/SI 24 hours a day
	Sports Illustrated and CNN have combined to form a 24 hour sports news and information channel. To receive CNN/SI at your home call your cable operator or DirecTV.