I don't get much correspondence ... except, of course, from a few folks who take me to task about something I've written or said. In my e-mail, I mostly get three things: solicitations for me to take advantage of low mortgage rates, pornography and offers for Viagra. I know, I know, if I say I don't need any of them, you'll hoot I doth protest too much. But then, in the real mail, I get catalogues. I am veritably inundated, flooded, besieged, deluged by catalogues.
So this year, I have been saving my catalogues to help you play Santa and shop for that special sportsman or sportswoman or sportschild. Here are my sports gift tips for the holidays:
For the whole gang, a miniature ceramic stadium, 15 inches long, in which you place tortilla chips. The stadium comes with a blimp, open at the top, to hold your salsa. A yuletide steal at $49.95.
For the whole wildlife family, a regulation mailbox in the shape of a fish, with its mouth wide open to accept letters ... and catalogues. Large hooks hang down in a decorative fashion. Yours for only $79.95.
To indoctrinate your child in golf before he goes astray and walks or runs, his own motorized golf cart, complete with sunblock canopy and musical horn. Perfect for every inactive tyke. Only $299.98.
Just right for that favorite uncle of yours: a talking sports fan doll. Just elbow him in the stomach, and he'll shout such obnoxious things as "Bad call, ref" or "Hey, another beer, here!" $19.98.
Say Merry Christmas to your favorite loser with a collector's edition Chicago Cubs Monopoly. The centerpiece is festooned in ivy. "Get Out of Wrigley Field Free" cards included. $38.
For Gramps, Santa has an Abbott & Costello "Who's On First?" T-shirt. But only in large and extra-large. What? I don't know. $18.
What would a Christmas tree be without an angel on top and a bobblehead doll underneath? A bobblehead of Tiger Woods in his Nike cap, $19.98.
Hello, American soccer fans! Yes, you and you and you. Now you can keep playing your favorite sport even when it's the middle of the night. That's right: a glow-in-the-dark soccer ball. $19.98.
In this time of peace on earth, for worshippers of the second amendment: a clock with a moose in the middle that says "No Hunting/No Firearms" ... and yet is festooned with friendly imitation bullet holes. Only $24.98.
For snowbound golfers, here's the perfect way to wile away the winter: a chess game, with figures not of knights and kings and rooks, but of golfers and golf bags and golf carts. Fore! Checkmate! $29.98.
Your neighbors will love it when Dad erects this sign that you put under the tree for him: NASCAR RACING FANS PARKING ONLY. ALL OTHERS WILL BE TOWED. A great laugh for just $19.98.
And for that bowler in your family, another holiday yuk: a polo shirt with an emblem of a bowler who's just dropped a bowling ball on his foot. $29.95.
Here's that stocking stuffer you need for your dearest angler. Ceramic salt-and-pepper shakers of lifelike fish -- mouth and tail. The pepper's the tail. Your choice of bass or trout. $24.95 for the set.
And, sports fans, in this joyous time of the year, may visions of sugar plums, touchdown passes and slam dunks all dance in your heads!
Sports Illustrated senior contributing writer Frank Deford is a regular contributor to CNNSI.com and appears each Wednesday on National Public Radio's Morning Edition. He is a longtime correspondent for HBO's Real Sports and his new novel, An American Summer (Sourcebooks Trade), is available now at bookstores everywhere.
