A merry, wise man

McGuire was a coach and wordsmith without peer

It has been almost two years since Al McGuire, the coach and philosopher, left us. Tom Kertscher, a Milwaukee journalist, has compiled a collection of the best McGuire aphorisms, in a book -- "Cracked Sidewalks and French Pastry" -- that has been published by the University of Wisconsin press. With thanks to Mr. Kertscher for his devoted work and to Mr. McGuire for his charm and sagacity that should not be forgotten, I recite some of my favorite McGuire bon mots on this, the merriest of days:

The only mystery in life is why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

You can always tell the Catholic schools by the length of the cheerleaders' skirts.

Superintelligent people can't be good athletes. They're too aware.

I think the world is run by C students.(Al said that, by the way, back before he'd ever heard of George W. Bush.)

If someone calls you, the third thing he says is usually the reason he called you.

If women aren't interested in a sport, it will eventually die.

I like seashells and balloons, ribbons and medals, bare feet and wet grass.

If someone offers to double your money, walk away. If he offers to make you twenty percent, hear him out.

I just put on a cocktail dress and go to work. My assistants are the ones who do the real work.

If the waitress has dirty ankles, the chili is good.

I've never met a young person who wore galoshes whom I thought was successful. In fact, I guarantee you that anyone who wears galoshes to the office never misses a coffee break.

When you bring flowers home to your wife and say there's no reason . . . . there's a reason. (That's my favorite Al-ism.)

I don't like executive offices. Everybody is looking at their watches and burping.

Life is what you allow yourself not to see.

I think everybody should go to college and get a degree and then spend six months as a bartender and six months as a cab driver. Then they'd really be educated.

Every obnoxious fan has a wife at home who dominates him.

Pressure? You know what pressure is? That's when the cheerleaders are jumping up and down but you don't even notice their breasts.

I only comb my hair if there are four people in the room. And if there are four people, I'm getting paid.

Sports is a coffee break.

If you marry a good-looking woman, she may leave you. Of course, an ugly woman may leave you too, but you won't care.

Always congratulate the temporary.

I had my moment on the stage. The trick in life is to know when to leave. Every carnival has an end. Circuses close. Honeymoons come to an end sooner or later. Eventually the girl is gonna put curlers in her hair.

If I had the run to do it all over again, the only thing I would change is, I would've grown up with my children.

Merry Christmas, Al McGuire. Merry Christmas, everyone.

Sports Illustrated senior contributing writer Frank Deford is a regular contributor to CNNSI.com and appears each Wednesday on National Public Radio's Morning Edition. He is a longtime correspondent for HBO's Real Sports and his new novel, An American Summer (Sourcebooks Trade), is available now at bookstores everywhere.

 

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