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Fair Game Posted: Friday December 20, 2002 4:31 PM
For instance, some hunters who track coyotes use semiautomatic rifles that fire 30 to 40 shots in about 10 seconds. That's not hunting. The magazine on my Browning semiautomatic ($690) limits me to only five shots every two seconds. And don't forget: It takes at least another 10 seconds to reload. I believe in the burden of the hunt before the glory of the kill. That's why I won't use camouflaged remote digital movie cameras when deer hunting. How hard is it to sit in the cabin and watch on a monitor until the deer show up? I use only my motion-activated Buckshot 35 Infrared Scouting still camera ($380) with date and time stamping. Of course, in the interest of maintaining a fair and equitable hunt, I do allow myself some of the same advantages as the game. For example, deer can maneuver their ears to pinpoint sound. To make up for that, I allow myself to use the Game Finder Mega Ears Hearing Muff ($160), which allows me to hear a bug's arthritic knees creak. And because deer can see better than us in low light -- their eyes can gather 10 times as much light as humans' -- it's only fair that I use the U.S. Night Vision 441 riflescope ($2,570) with infrared light source. With one of those puppies I could see to the back of a Tora Bora cave. In daylight I'll switch to my Bushnell Mini HOLOsight ($250) scope, which projects a red laser dot on the hide of the target. Hey, if a deer could use one on me, you don't think the sonuvagun would? Deer are a worthy adversary because of their keen sense of smell. That's why I feel forced to put every stitch of my ultrawarm hunting clothing through the charcoal-filtration system of my portable Scent Master ($160) to remove all human odors. I'll also wear my Primetime Scent Wafers ($9) -- now in cow elk urine! I'll use my Scent Machine ($50) to release a precisely measured aerosol spray of scent every 3.5 minutes as I walk. And when my Wildlife Research Ultimate Scrape Dripper ($20) drips doe urine scent, it convinces bucks that does are around, not me. You ought to see the bucks' faces when their date with a hottie becomes a date with hot lead! Doh! O.K., I admit I allow myself a few creature comforts. For instance, I'll hunt from my heated camouflaged tree stand ($240) with cushioned back, armrests, lumbar support, umbrella and footrest, but at least I didn't do what some guys do and add a DVD player. Like I say, I'm a purist. And true, I'll pack my handheld Global Positioning System device ($350) with electronic compass, barometer and database; my radio-controlled, 400,000-candlepower spotlight ($216); my hands-free, voice-activated, two-way radio ($130); my Carry-Lite Deer Decoy ($140); my Rattlin' Antlers ($23); my Cough Silencer ($20); and my Grunt-Snort-Wheeze Deer Call ($15). But what are you going to do, put the genie back in the bottle? It's a battle of wits, I tell you. Sure, some of my hunting buddies laugh at my full-length Shaggie camouflage coat and hood ($150) -- the one that makes me look like Cousin Itt from The Addams Family -- but think about the risks I take wearing it! Some tanked-up yokel sees what looks like a giant pile of leaves clomping through the forest, you don't think he'll fire on me like I'm in a carnival shooting gallery? And remember, Bobby Knight could be out there! It's the same with duck hunting. Those ducks are smart! I don't think there's anything wrong with leveling the playing pond a little with my remote-control Mallard Machine ($190) that I can make swim, bob, shake, thrash and dive, with the touch of a button, from my duck blind. I mean, everybody has his tricks. Charles Schwab planted hundreds of acres of rice on his property just to lure ducks he could shoot -- and he got a federal subsidy for planting the rice! Besides, think of this: I could use an amphibious, eight-wheel rover ATV ($7,000 to $12,000), complete with gun rests for firing on the run, but I don't. I take a six-wheeler. Because for me, hunting is not about ease, comfort or tilting the scales to satisfy a hunter's thirst for a trophy. That's why I won't go to one of those awful 100-acre, fenced-in "canned hunting" ranches that are springing up around the country. These privately owned clubs simply truck the game in, and the members hunt until they bag something. It's like hunting at the Milwaukee County Zoo. Even Shaq, among many thousands of Americans, has done it. No, I refuse to go to that kind of place. The land I hunt is far more fair and honorable. It's 500 fenced-in acres. I could be out there for more than an hour before I bag my kill. Do you know what that does to my bunions? But, hey, that's the price you pay when you choose to respect the honor, dignity and honest competition of true hunting. God, I love this sport. Issue date: December 23, 2002 Don't miss The Life of Reilly (Total/SPORTS ILLUSTRATED, $22.95) -- a best-of compilation of Rick Reilly's columns and features, with a foreword written by Charles Barkley, available online and at bookstores everywhere.
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